Going On A Gutka-Spitting Spree... And Other Things I Wish I Could Do

13/10/2016 11:10 AM IST | Updated 14/10/2016 11:31 AM IST
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Life is full of regrets—dreams not chased, love not reciprocated, the new iPhone not bought...

Sometimes, I like to write down the things I would like to change, but don't have the time, dedication or ability to pursue. But hey! Maybe my "if I coulds" will strike a chord with someone reading it, someone who would?

So, here goes:

If I could I would...

  1. Stop and help traffic policemen in their job. How many times have you seen them stop a car or truck in the middle of the road while handing them a violation challan? How many times I've wished I could stop and ensure the challan-ed vehicles get parked on the side to avoid further jams.

  1. Eat gutka and go on a spitting spree. I'd like to drive from one end of the city to the other, to find all those "educated" owners of new sedans who have clearly misinterpreted what it means to "paint the town red". I'd like to give their clothes a nice gutka shower.

  1. Stop every water tanker that I see with its tap opened by thoughtless people. Not only would I like to shut the water outlet to stem the wastage, I'd also love to make sure that the lovely souls who open these back taps in their bid to have fun are sentenced to a week of life without water. Maybe that way they'll understand the value of it.

  1. Make the man leering at a passing girl see his sister's face in her. That definitely ought to help cool his hormones.

  1. Help each and every homeless person sleeping on the road find a roof over their heads. God knows what we will born into in our next life?

  1. Strap a horn to the ear of that superbly annoying two-wheeler rider. You know, that guy who thinks he is in a video game and keeping his hand on the horn will kill all his enemies, elevating him to the next game level!

  1. Use the satellite's video feed to prove my innocence to the traffic cop. Hey, the light was still green when I crossed the junction; it was mother cow standing in the middle of the road that led me to the traffic violation!

  1. Use a magic carpet to transport my lifeline's (also known as the hired help) whole village here. I wish I could bring it all here—the relatives, the cows, the farms—year on year so she never has to leave for gaon.

  1. Make a masseuse appear out of thin air. Especially just before bedtime, when 15 minutes of foot therapy is just the ticket to sweet dreams.

  1. Make CEOs of telecom companies get a taste of their own product. This applies to those who boast of their amazing network. I'd like them to sit in my house when they have that most important investor call and see their face turn red when the call drops!

  1. Teach a lesson to drivers honking away at the rickshaw puller in front of them on a single file road. I think a good way to do that would be to make these drivers carry a 30kg weight on their back, so they understand why the rickshaw puller is unable to go faster.

Did I read your mind? I'd love to hear which of these resonated most with you!

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