"The iPhone 37S, Reviewed"
by Jason Gilbert, 07/01/2042
When the iPhone 37S was finally unveiled at an Apple media event in Cupertino last week by new Apple CEO The iPhone 37, many bloggers, micro-bloggers, JournoBots and television scream-pundits were disappointed that the company hadn't changed up the design at all. At 8 mm by 6 mm by 0.5 mm, and made of indestructible carbonite diamond glass, the iPhone 37S is virtually indistinguishable from its predecessor, 2041's iPhone 37; rumors leading up to the event suggested a larger display area for the ultra high-definition digital iProjector, support for SprintrizonT&T's 8G network, and a new sensor that could sub-sonically emit feelings of love, affection and warmth to owners.
Instead, we got none of these promised features. No larger iProjector. No 8G network. A sensor that can STILL only emit feelings of love and affection, NOT warmth.
What a letdown.
Even the most widely accepted rumor about the iPhone 37S -- that this time around it would be implanted into the brain's cerebral cortex rather than the more disruption-prone medulla oblongata -- never came to fruition. The 37S will remain melded into the medulla, via laser-guided insertion at Apple's Genius Bar & Neurosurgical Operating Facility; there will be no support for brain stem-rooting, basal ganglia-tethering or Adobe Flash.
Disappointment surrounding the launch of the 37S was widespread: Many of America's 8 billion citizens took to the Internet to complain, and the media was quick to follow, with outlets like CNN/Gawker, Pabst Blue Ribbon Presents The Washington Post, and Helen Thomas calling the newest Apple smartphone a blunder. Even popular New York Times columnist (and noted Apple enthusiast) Cybernetic David Pogue-O-Tron 6000 was let down (paywall): He filmed an acerbic diatribe against the new iPhone that went viral on YouTube; it eventually become the second-most watched video of the week, trailing only the music video for the newest single by 2,374-time Grammy Award winners Black Eyed Peas, "Good Fun Time Party Dancing."
And yet now that the iPhone 37S is here, and I've had the opportunity to try out a review unit for a week, I can report that the latest smartphone from Apple is no blunder, flub, or disappointment. Rather, it is a huge, huge success. What the 37S lacks in design freshness, or 8G capability, or cerebral cortex implantability, it makes up for in a bold, futuristic, forward-thinking new feature: a smart, sarcastic, sprightly thought-command assistant named Daisy.
Quite simply, Daisy takes the familiar Siri and flips it on its head. The latest iteration of Siri could, as we all know, be enlisted into activated just by thinking of something you wanted to know or to discover; a soothing tone could be heard in the far reaches of your brain, and then Siri would crawl through the Internet and return the answer into your mind in a flash. Siri could also read your emails (whispering them straight into your cerebellum), compose text messages and set up any number of daily reminders, such as "Don't forget that today's your day to home-liposuct yourself" or "Remember to DVR the new episode of 'The Simpsons' tomorrow."
Daisy improves on this somewhat cumbersome process of having to think of what you want by doing that thing before you even had to think it. Through some smart engineering, Apple developers have made it so that Daisy can sense what you are about to think and, before that thought even forms, act upon it. It can read you the emails you weren't aware you were interested in; it can compose text messages you didn't even know you wanted to send. For commands that require physical movement, Daisy can even shut down the phone owner's body, induce a light encephalopathic coma, and take over your body, from spinal cord to extremities.
What does the 'S' in iPhone 37S stand for? Sensorimotor-takeover.
In theory, I know, this doesn't sound very impressive; when Daisy was announced, many questions sprung up, such as "Why do I need pre-thought command recognition when it is easy enough using my brain to input commands into the iPhone as it is?" and "Is it really a good idea to be giving total control of our minds and bodies to a robot that may or may not be malevolent?".
To that I say: Don't be a Luddite, man. Don't resist change. You'll only look foolish in the end. I have seen the future, and it is one in which every American submits himself or herself to the awesome power of Apple's latest technology.
And that future is not far away: That future is right now.
To win you over, let me give you a real-life example of how it works, and how using Daisy can improve your life:
The other day I was leaving work, bag slung over my shoulder, walking to my Hyundai (P.S. Can you believe science fiction writers thought we'd have flying cars by now? LOL). As I was thumbprint-unlocking my car door, I felt a light hunger pang in my stomach and realized that I hadn't eaten lunch. Before I had even begun to imagine what I wanted for dinner, Daisy had immediately sprung into action: She recognized that I was hungry, that I wanted Japanese food and that I preferred cheap restaurants; after blacking out for twenty-five minutes, I came to at Ichiban Cafe at 12th and Broadway, laughing with my wife and kids, scarfing down some of the most delicious Udon noodles I've ever had in my life -- and what's more, my meal wasn't that expensive (only about $45 a plate)! The last thing I remember, before slipping into a temporary dark nothingness, was hearing the soothing tone indicating that Daisy was about to take action; by the time I became sentient again, my stomach was full of the exact food I was craving at the exact price I wanted it sitting with the exact people with whom I wanted to eat.
Other, more familiar features of the iPhone 37S have also been impressively synced with Apple's brain-control assistant. Facebook integration with Daisy means that your friends can see not only when you visited someone else's profile page, but also whenever you thought about visiting someone's profile page, for what purpose and what you were wearing when you had the thought. Twitter has similarly been more aggressively integrated into the system, as you no longer have to tell the now-defunct Siri to tweet; rather, Daisy automatically tweets everything you are thinking at any given moment in time, making the social media service a much richer, fuller and more immersive experience for everyone involved.
This is life-changing technology, People. And before the cynics say that it's changing life for the worst, let me assert with full confidence that the iPhone 37S will transform society for the better.
And how do I know that, you may be asking?
Daisy told me.Suggest a correction