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I'm Guilty Of Letting Down My Baby Daughter

26/12/2016 12:15 PM IST | Updated 28/12/2016 3:24 PM IST
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I stand guilty. I stand guilty before my 18-month-old daughter.

I am guilty of not giving her enough time, guilty of not playing with her, guilty of not being able to see her grow.

I took a long break from my work life to be with my little angel. We both had a lovely time together. When her father returned from work in the evening, she'd be ecstatic to see him, of course. I envied that sometimes, but then I knew she was with me the whole day, loving and cuddling.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as well as hers as I left her with the nanny. I drove crying all the way to work.

Time flies they say and in my case yes, it really did. I knew well in advance when I'd be resuming work so I had made all the arrangements beforehand. I'd planned a nanny for my daughter, to take care of her in my absence. I appointed her three months in advance so that I could train her, judge her and make my baby comfortable with her. As planned, things went smoothly. This lady would take care of my little one much beyond my expectations. She would sing lullabies to her, play games with her and keep her busy. My baby would look forward to her coming home every day. I was relieved that in my absence there would be someone I trusted to look after her properly.

The day came when I had to go back to work. With a heavy heart I left home. Tears rolled down my cheeks as well as hers as I left her with the nanny. I drove crying all the way to work.

But like everyone else said this was for the best. I consoled myself I was working for my daughter, for a better future for her. But each day in office seemed to drag on forever, the hands of the clock tick-tocking with excruciating slowness. Though I was present in the office my heart kept wandering to my prized possession. At last it the clock struck six. Finally, it was time to go back home, time to see her, time to hold her in my arms and apologise for not being home.

I rushed to my car and drove eagerly to my apartment. My daughter was waiting for me right outside the house. I took her into my arms. She stared at me without blinking, as if she was asking me a thousand questions. She hugged me tight and I felt bliss. Later in the evening we both were busy in each other's company. She clung to me wherever I went.

The next day the sun was shining high. I knew it was time to leave her again until the end of the day. She was still asleep, looking like a little fairy. Quickly I managed to prepare some breakfast for us. When she woke up she had forgotten that I was going to leave. She kept running and making noises until she saw me in my formal attire. Suddenly she lost her smile and my heart sank. I left her again, kissing her goodbye...

Instead of the smiles on seeing me, there were tears for her nanny. I could not take it.

Now as the days passed I could notice a big change in her. She was not really happy to see me in the evening. Not the way I thought. Instead of the smiles on seeing me, there were tears for her nanny. I could not take it. I felt like I was losing my world. I read many parenting books to find it was normal for babies to behave this way. It was their way to show their anger, to show how they miss being with their parents.

Every week I get two full days to spend with her. She showers all her love on me in those two days and makes me feel happy. But then again for five days when I am gone to my office she ignores me. This is her way to show me how bad she feels that the mother who was always there for her now leaves her every day.

And so I am a mother who stands guilty before my little sweetheart. Guilty of not being there around the clock.

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I'm Guilty Of Letting Down My Baby Daughter

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