Under The Weather

04/06/2015 8:24 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:25 AM IST
MONEY SHARMA via Getty Images
An Indian labourer takes a break as he drinks water to get respite from heat in New Delhi on May 26, 2015. At least 800 people have died in a major heatwave that has swept across India, melting roads in New Delhi as temperatures neared 50 degrees Celsius (122 Fahrenheit). AFP PHOTO/MONEY SHARMA (Photo credit should read MONEY SHARMA/AFP/Getty Images)

You can't blame us Delhiites. When it rains, it pours. When it's hot, it sizzles. And when it's cold, it freezes. No wonder, we in Delhi are obsessed with the weather. And at this time of the year, when the monsoon is there but not yet there, our weather fixation acquires the intensity of a tornado.

It is an annual unfailing exercise. In the month of June, the weathermen emerge from behind the clouds of ignominy. Taking a cue from our misery, the television guys begin their annual visit to the Indian Metrological Department. Then--ignoring the fact that 1.1 billion out of 1.2 billion Indians know that the monsoon first hits Kerala, then proceeds towards the East before arriving in Delhi--he asks innocently, "When do you think the monsoon will arrive in Delhi? Of course, the misery of Lucknow, Kanpur, Bhopal or Ahmedabad is not as important as that of Delhi.

So, a balding weatherman clears his throat and says with all the authority at his command, "Delhi will have to wait for the end of the month." What he means is, "Dimwit, didn't I explain it to you last year? And the year before that?"

Moving towards absurdity at a lightning speed, the reporter runs an old footage of a street vendor selling nimbu-paani. "Aap dekh rahe hain ki garmi se log kis kadar pareshaan hai."

Meanwhile, his counterpart in Mumbai begins covering the high tide that hits Mumbai around this time.

Mumbai Reporter: What do you think about this high tide?

Random Guy (quickly throws the packet of chips on the beach, wipes hands on his trousers): I feel the Modi should do something to stop the high tide.

Rather predictably, the month of June reminds us that the employees of BMC and NDMC have been busy playing cards for the entire year. Year after year.

Our Delhi reporter continues: Mausam ne aaj achanak karvat li. Thoda hamare darshako ko bataiye ki kitna maza aa raha hai?

Random Gujarati tourist near India Gate (super excited): We are totally enjoy. Totally enjoy.

Given the heat, Delhi tempers are directly proportional to the city temperature. Anything above forty degrees is accompanied by long power cuts, menacing stares, rude middle fingers and a slew of passionate MC, BCs on the road. Don't judge us. If you experience such heat and traffic, minus the electricity, you too will behave like a caged gorilla.

Interestingly, extreme weather conditions in the month of June inspire Facebook users in myriad ways.

Delhi Guy: 48 degrees today. Totally roasted man. Waiting for a dust storm.

Bangalore Guy: Huh? This is nothing. We had thunderstorm yesterday. Couldn't sleep for ten minutes.

Delhi Guy: You're kidding right? Haven't slept in days.

Mumbai Guy: Sweating buckets here. Cyclonic storm predicted tomorrow.

Patna Guy: Self obsessed morons, can't you think beyond metros?

Why do I get a feeling that June is retribution time for Bangloreans? They get the rains first. In their hearts they are thinking, "Yo Yo Delhi Dude. Burn in hell. Serves you right."

May-June is also a time when reporters use the term El Nino as frequently as the number of crimes in UP. If you don't know what El Nino is don't stress. El Nino is a Spanish soccer player. I'm kidding. El Nino is actually a weatherman's favourite whipping boy. When they don't know what the hell is happening, they blame it on El Nino. Or a western disturbance. Or both.

This article originally appeared on Freebird.

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