5 Tricks To Save Friendships In The Times Of Modi Bhakts And Adarsh Liberals

13/02/2016 1:20 PM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:26 AM IST
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What's officially worse than a hungover Sunday? Waking up with a hangover and seeing a Facebook notification telling you that your charming drinking buddy from the previous night has gone and 'liked' a post that includes one or many of the following words - 'sickular', 'pseudo-liberal', 'anti-national', 'libtard', 'commies'. Or 'bhakt', 'Sanghis', 'trolls'.

If you happen to be on the opposite side of the Modi divide--and let's not pretend there isn't one--that, my friend, is the taste of last night's tequila turning into gau mutra in your mouth.

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After all, the symptoms were missing. This friend didn't have a 'Digital India' or 'No To 377' filter on the Facebook profile picture. You weren't accused of minority appeasement when you ordered kebabs. And he didn't wish the BJP a special place in hell when the rubbery buffalo steak had to be hacked through with knife, fork, spoon and then hands.

But you can't un-see that post he/she just liked.

So, how do you get your life back together?

The following guide may help.

1) Find something you can hate together. For example, the suspicious alcohol-soda ratio in happy-hour mojitos. Or girls who come 'looking for conversations' on Tinder, like it's no different from lunch at Pummy aunty's place. And oh, those boys who trouble Steve Jobs' soul by still hoping that a BB Pin can get them laid.

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2) On days you are feeling slightly less misanthropic than usual, appreciate the good things in life together. And by that, I don't mean 'Make in India' or the 'Odd even' traffic rule. For example, Bengalis can bond over the unsung hero of a biryani--the potato.

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3) Now, re-analyse how important it is for you to complain on others' statuses on Facebook. For starters, Facebook won't listen to rants about horrid bosses, but bhakts, liberals and men and women of all stripes, are mostly game for some in person. So show great tolerance to status updates about intolerance. If the going gets really tough and your fingers are itching to type out the words 'commie bootlicker' or 'Hindutva thug', refrain from Facebook and listen to Baby Doll on loop. After all, the song says exactly what you anyway think about your own opinion: 'Yeh duniya, yeh duniya pittal di, Baby doll main sone di'. You are pure gold, everyone else is Delhi's air.

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4) If this friend of yours is two different people on Facebook and in real life, unfollow him/her Facebook. Check their profiles occasionally though. Friendships may not die over Modi, but will most definitely end over an un-liked profile picture or an unappreciated check-in.

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5) At parties, make sure you are always within the ear shot of that one person who thinks the best thing you can make in India is the Patiala peg. Chances are, if conversations veer towards dubiously printed bandhgalas, he or she will pounce on you with more pressing issues: like in which phase of a relationship it is okay to fart before your partner and still have only achche din in your life.

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